Got Meat? Issue 1 pdf now available.

Ok ladies and gents,

The long lost PDF of the hard copy of the Meat Counter has finally resurfaced. Inhibitive laser jet costs amounting to more than five pounds meant that many of you weren’t lucky enough not to get your grimy hands on one of those 30 copies carelessly printed and stapled together one balmy october night. Your big day has finally arrived.

12 pages of non stop zany whackiness featuring brand new work just too damned ugly to be featured on this blog.

Pat Butcher, Len Goodman, R Kelly, Quizzes, Bill Oddie, a fez and much, much more!

SIMPLY CLICK ON THIS LINK

Pat Ditches Lobes for Labia

MZIMBA MOBILE

Newsround Man “Listened to Own Voicemail”

Pals may have been comforting former Newsround host and Solihull native Lizo Mzimba yesterday evening after The Meat Counter obtained information implicating him as the latest party to be involved in an incident of accessing phone messages.

In a twist however, it has emerged that the Solihullian raconteur, who each day battles bravely against a debilitating fear of serpents, may have targeted and listened in on his own personal messages. Messages left for he and he alone.

A staple of weekday afternoons for over a decade, the man from Solihull had drifted through as many as three jobs prior to his Newround appointment, including a spell as a hospital porter, and admits to the impossibility of picking the most embarrassing moment of his life as these have been “too numerous to mention”.

A close confidant who met Mzimba, of Solihull, on earth has rubbished suggestions that any self-surveillance was either publicity stunt to regenerate public interest in the Star Wars fanatic or a cry for help.

The chum insisted that “leaving Newsround meant quite the reduction in terms of action for Solihull’s favourite son. He could have just been checking to see if his agent had phoned with any new work when he lent his ear to those messages. Knowing Lizo there was no malice intended, and there is certainly no evidence of foul play”.

Full Story To Follow

Excuesive! John Virgo’s Biography Serialised

Say Cheese and Diversion

A road in Woodhouse, Leeds, has remained closed for the past five days whilst police investigate an incident involving a frightening children’s novel. Police were called to Holborn Approach shortly after one o’clock on Wednesday afternoon where they discovered five injured parties and an open book from the “Give Yourself Goosebumps” series. It is believed that those involved in the accident, all pensioners, may have accidentally borrowed the book from a library and were left so terrified after reading the first page of Tick Tock, You’re Dead! that they experienced “day mares” and collapsed. All known copies of the book are set to be destroyed in a controlled pulping.

Hank Funk, The Filthy Monk

Here’s a picture of a monk about to eat a dog turd. Click on it to make it BIGGER. Cheers

Fortifayed with Vitamins and Iron

He may have once owned the most famous shop in Britain, but former Harrods boss Mohamed Al-Fayed’s greatest ambition is to launch his own breakfast cereal.

A source unconnected to the ex House of Frasier proprietor told this site that they believe the Fulham FC Chairman to eat “between six and seven buckets of cereal, at least, for every meal of the day. I bet he’s completely bonkers about breakfast, mad about malt and absolutely wild about wheat! ”

The grass continued, “in my mind, everything that the tunnel based conspiracy theorist has achieved in his life thus far is meaningless to him. I reckon that the Egyptian captain of industry will rest only once he has his own crunchy snack in every cupboard in Britain.”

And the name of this crack of dawn delight? “Easy”, snapped our informant. “I’ll bet my mortgage that the Ritz owner will dub his early morning grub ‘Al’s Chunky Coco Balls’.

Gary Ramps, Business Correspondent

DinoNOsaw

Astonishing new evidence has revealed that many modern electrical items would not have worked throughout history.

A set of baffling results was produced by egg heads from the University of Leeds who spent five years designing and building a computer programme modelling the leisure habits of the dinosaurs; when a television variable was added to the simulator, its screen remained blank.

The findings come just weeks after German boffins observed that had the Sheriff of Nottingham owned a radio, the speakers would have remained inexplicably silent.

Leeds based Professor Alf Valiant said of his team’s incredible discovery, “we were as amazed as anyone when absolutely nothing appeared on the television. At this point still we’re dumbfounded as to any reason why, but it’s safe to say that our long extinct friends certainly wouldn’t have spotted themselves on Walking with Dinosaurs on a Wednesday night!”.

Historyical Correspondent, Adrian Gastricband